The smelly lady

Working anywhere, you can expect to find daily regulars. At my old Jewel-Osco we had this one customers, I still don't know her name, that we refered to as the smelly lady.

Now this woman didn't just smell badly, she smelled horribly. She is older, probably in her late 60's or so. Standing about 5'2 and slightly overweight, we would run when she came near. Her makeup was caked on her face. You could almost see her pores clogging from all the powder on her face. Her hair, oh her hair. It's like a pseudo birds nest bee hive thing, held up by at least half a bottle of hair spray.

She would spend upwards 3 hours in the store, chatting with the employees and other customers from around the neighborhood. My favorite game was seeing which one of us unfortunate cashiers would have the displeasure of ringing up her groceries.

You always hoped to be on one of the registers closer to the aisles, mainly because you would be the first one to smell her. It's like a mixture between old lady perfume, locker room body odor and rotting cheese. As she approached the checkout we played a game we called musical registers. One by one we would turn off our lights, put up a closed sign and duck down so she wouldn't see you. The last one to turn their light off would have to ring her up.

Now this woman came in every day and literally bought the same items every day. Two bottle of Evian water, a banana, a bag of chips, a bottle of hairspray, ice cream and enough lunch meat and cheese to last three days.

The conversation would be almost identical each time.

Oh honey how are you?

I just love this store! 

I'm giving you my credit card! 

After passing the receipt and almost fainting from holding your breath for so long, you then have to run to the aisle with the air fresheners and inhale the closest bottle of Hawaiian Breeze.