Condoms & Pregnancy Tests...Awkward

Buying things like condoms or pregnancy tests are normal and just a part of life. But for some reason, at least for me, it is always awkward selling these items to customers.

My favorite situation is when an older man comes to my line and just puts down some chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine and a box of condoms. These customers rarely look me in the eye and rarely attempt to make small talk. Frankly, I’d rather not make small talk with them either. I just proceed with the transaction and always add a have a great night at the end.

But when shit gets really awkward is when someone purchases a pregnancy test. Whether it be the potential father, mother or the couple together, it’s always an awkward turtle moment. It always starts the same; the customer comes to the checkout and goes for the cashier with the least amount of customers in the hopes of minimizing the amount of people that can see their purchase.

I always feel badly for the woman if she’s looking terrified by the possibility of pregnancy. I scan them quickly, wrap it in a plastic bag and suggest she puts the test in her purse. The men on the other hand I just kind of like to screw with them. I get louder, HEY HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? FIND EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? Waiting to the last possible second to put the pregnancy test into a bag. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING, HAVE A GREAT DAY! Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I think it’s hilarious.

"Maybe no one will see me with these sunglasses on."

The best is when customers think they can avoid anyone noticing their purchase by using the self-checkouts. The typical maybe pregnant woman come up, holds the box just right so no one can see what she’s buying, scans the test and dumps it into the bag as quickly as possible. Now maybe it’s a coincidence or maybe they feel my eyes staring at them, but after putting the test in a bag they always glance over to see if I’m looking at them. Like HELLO of course I’m going to be staring at you the entire time you’re buying a pregnancy test.

When I worked in my hometown in the suburbs I would always see people I knew from school shopping. Inevitably classmates would come in to purchase condoms. One day this girl Sarah came in. I’ve always hated Sarah because she was a brown nosing biotch who was “perfect” and all the soccer moms had nothing better to do than talk about Sarah. So the day came when Sarah and her boyfriend sneakishly bought condoms the day I was working self-checkout. Needless to say, the soccer moms had a lot to talk about that night at “book club” over margaritas.